Road to Happiness
by Jessie Clare
Summary: Chapter 7 is now up! I am so sorry it has taken a while to get up, but i hope you enjoy it and please R&R! Thanks
1. Chapter One

Authors Note: Hey people, this is my first fanfiction. I have been meaning to write one for so long but I never knew where to start. So this is it. I hope its ok, please give me any advice you see fitting.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the MASH characters. They are property of 20th century fox.  
  
January 10th 1954  
  
The room was always so dark. The furnishing were dark and the room never received any light. Margaret lay there as she knew what day lay ahead of her. She rolled out of bed, wrapping her light blue silk dressing gown around her slim waist and went to the kitchen to start breakfast. It was so lonely at the army base. She was so confused as to why she thought this was the life for her. She knew the day ahead was going to be yet another boring and grueling day at the stateside hospital in Georgia that she had come to know. Worst of all were the people. The doctors were so stuffy, they never had fun, life was definitely not a subject taken lightly at the stateside hospital. She sat sipping her coffee. Her puffy eyes were showing just how tired she had become since the war. She couldn't sleep anymore. Not because of nightmares but because she spent the whole night tossing and turning about the decisions she had made through life. She knew this one was wrong. She wasn't meant to be at the army base, she could feel it in her bones. Even in Korea she knew she was doing the right thing because her heart told her so - but here her heart was breaking slowly and the passionate and energetic Margaret was fading ever so slowly into a shadow of her former life and self.  
  
1954 hadn't exactly started with a bang, and it seemed the best new years eve she had was in Korea, with her friends. This new year had consisted of getting very drunk and fighting off generals trying to take her to bed. But it didn't work. Her vulnerable state of depression over took and she found herself on New Years morning in her bed with a General easily 15 years older than her lying next to her, smelling of beer and sweat.  
  
"Whats happening to me?" she questioned as she got into the shower. She broke down to tears, something which was becoming a regular occurrence. She thought if BJ, and how he must be enjoying life with little Erin and his wife Peg. He would've spent his first Christmas with Erin that year. She smiled at the thought of his happiness. And Hawkeye, would be reunited with his father, he must be so happy to be back in the cove where he grew up and with the people he loved.  
  
"Hawkeye" she said as she absently turned the shower off and stood staring into nothing. God she missed him so much her heart ached. She hadn't spoken to him since they said goodbye in Korea and even then they hadn't said much. That kiss. She felt so secure in his strong muscular arms. His all- enveloping embrace, which melted her heart. And of course the kiss itself; it was full of passion, she could feel it. Or was she kidding herself? She could never be sure if it was her own passion that she mistook for his. She got dressed and walked out of the small unit to the hospital.  
  
All day she was distracted. The nurses were at her all the time, if they weren't asking for favours or a change in shifts they were teasing her behind her back. The doctors had little respect for the nursing staff and little respect for Margaret. One of the doctors roused on her that day for being inefficient in surgery and too slow. The cruel doctor walked away, leaving Margaret embarrassed and feeling sheepish. She walked into her office and cried. Not her usual crying but uncontrollable crying, she started to throw things off her desk. As head nurse she found the R & R papers and signed herself up for a month. She didn't know where to go, or who to go to, but she needed to go somewhere.  
  
Margaret raced back to her unit that night and packed her suitcase and called a cab. She felt like she was losing it. She felt so lost and alone. She couldn't go to her father, as he would be so disappointed in his baby girl. Her mother was overseas on a holiday with friends in Europe and her sister was busy with her own life in Vermont. She knew that her sister Suzanne would welcome her but she didn't want to feel like she was in the way. Her cab arrived and drove her to the Atlanta's central station. She got out there. She still had no idea where to go.  
  
"All passengers for Portland, Maine, this is your final call" the PA announced  
  
Margaret stood at the ticket booths looking at her choices. It was 10:30 at night and the train to Portland was the last for the night. She quickly bought a ticket and ran down the station stairs. She got on and never looked behind.  
  
The train pulled away from Atlanta and Margaret began to think of where to get off. She thought she could get off in Boston and visit Charles. But that idea was squashed when she realized where this train could take her. She thought about Hawkeye and Crabapple cove. Portland was where she would get off. Suddenly she felt at ease with herself and fell asleep.  
  
Margaret woke as the train pulled into Boston, Massachusetts. A few more hours and she would be in Portland. She couldn't believe she was going to see Hawkeye. It had been about four months since she had arrived in the states from Korea. She figured Hawkeye had probably been back six months.  
  
"He has probably got himself together these days. For all I know he could be married and settled down with a childhood sweetheart," her heart sank at the thought. The train pulled out of Boston after about 20 minutes and headed north for Portland.  
  
Hawkeye was sitting at the round breakfast table opposite his father reading the local newspaper. He never spoke much. Not even to his father. He had called BJ a few times since the war but found the calls only depressed him. He couldn't figure out whether he was jealous of BJ's happiness or whether the only thing in common they had was the war. Was that really the case though? Had they just become friends because it was convenient? These questions wandered through Hawkeye's busy mind. His eyes scanned the pages of the local newspaper. He thought people were so shallow, so insular in the cove. He felt like he no longer belonged. Here these people had lived the perfect life, yet complained about things which seemed so irrelevant compared to the life Hawkeye had for 3 years. He started to read the main article. The headline was "Reds under the bed". Daniel had read the newspaper and tried to hide the article from his tormented son. Daniel watched his sons eyes sharpen as he read down the page and after a few lines slammed the newspaper down on the table and stormed out the back door. He ran down the back steps, across the small bridge over the small stream which ran down the back of the house and onto the beach. He kept running to his special place. The place that his mother had shown him when he was a child. Where she read him stories and played with him whilst his father was busy with his patients. He reached his haven and sat against a tree and looked out to the ocean. He ran his hand through his thick black hair and tried to catch his breathe.  
  
Meanwhile Daniel picked the paper up angrily and threw it violently into the bin. He sat down again at the breakfast table and ran his hand through his thick grey hair in the same fashion Hawkeye did and sighed. He looked to the picture of his former wife, Alyssa, on the kitchen cabinet.  
  
"Help" he said with sadness in his eyes and with that he walked upstairs to get ready for work. 


	2. Chapter Two

Chapter 2  
  
Hey thanks everyone for those kind reviews! I was so nervous that you would all hate it. Well here goes another chapter.  
  
I don't have much idea how long it takes to travel in the states coz I haven't been there, but its big like Australia, so I'm guessing it would take a while to get to Maine from Atlanta Georgia.  
  
Dusk was falling over the pretty scenery of New England. As the train passed through many small coastal towns Margaret became more and more nervous about landing on Hawkeye's doorstep. What if he doesn't want to see me? And that ever wondering thought - "What if he is married?!". Every time she thought about that her heart slipped further down into her stomach. The PA announced that they would arrive in Portland at 7pm, which was in half an hour. She had been on the train since 10:30 the night before. She started to plan what she would do when she got off the train. She was so lost she didn't know where to start and put the thoughts out of her mind for half an hour. The train started to slow up. Tall beautiful trees lined the railroad on either side. It was every child's climbing paradise. As the train pulled into the station with a jerk, Margaret gathered her things and stepped down the stairs and onto the platform. She was wearing a light grey suit, which was fitted and showed off her curves. The station was beautiful and old looking with grand arched with green trims stretching their arms across the rail tracks. For a moment she could see a slightly younger Hawkeye standing on the platform with an older man. He would've been wearing his class A uniform, bidding farewell before the slave train took him on a road to Korea. She loved him in his Class A, he looked so handsome and manly. A young boy interrupted her thoughts and offered to carry her bags out to the taxi stands. As they walked along the young boy started talking to Margaret, making her feel quite at ease with her new surroundings and kept her mind off her plans.  
  
"Its been real cold up here this winter, we've had a fair bit of snow. Where are you from ma'am?", the young boy asked as he struggled to keep her suitcase of the gound.  
  
"Atlanta, Georgia", Margaret replied with sudden realization of her long journey  
  
"You sure have traveled along way to come up here when it's so cold out. Are you visiting friends or relatives? Will you be staying in Portland?" He was so inquisitive but really quite sweet.  
  
"Well I guess I'm heading to crabapple cove, I have a friend who lives there, but he's not expecting me, it's a surprise."Margaret's voice drifted off into the air as she started to worry again.  
  
"Oh yeah, my grandma lives there. Its 20 minutes from here and there is a real nice motel you can stay in. You can't miss it's the only one. A lady called Betsy will help you out. You should be there by 7:30 and she'll take good care of ya", the boy said in all confidence.  
  
"Well that's sounds nice, I think I just might do that" she supposed, it was better than any other alternative, well any that she had thought of.  
  
"Here you go, have a nice trip, this guy will take you up there," he smiled at her and tipped his cap.  
  
"Thankyou very much for your help, here take this," Margaret said as she pulled out her purse and gave him some change.  
  
The driver placed her bags in the boot and Margaret got in.  
  
"Where are you going love?" The older gentlemen asked.  
  
"Crabapple cove" Margaret replied absently and stared out the window. The taxi pulled out of Portland station and headed north for the cove.  
  
Daniel arrived home that evening with one of Hawkeye's closest high school friends. Her name was Sandra, or Sandy as Hawkeye called her. They had never dated in school, but had always been close. Many of Hawkeye's other friends had settled down with families and had little time for Hawkeye, especially since he was not the same Hawkeye they knew. Sandy had stuck by Hawk though. She knew something terrible had happened, and that the real Hawkeye, the one she knew in 1950 was in him somewhere, he just hadn't surfaced in a while. Daniel opened the door and let Sandy in front of him like the perfect gentlemen.  
  
"Hawk!" he hollered, "I'm home and Sandy is here to visit, she's gonna stay for dinner."  
  
There was no reply and no movement. Daniel exchanged a concerned look with Sandy and they both moved further into the house.  
  
"Hawkeye!" Daniel continued to holler. "Benjamin where are you? Its not polite to hide from your guests, especially lady friends!" He joked trying to lighten the situation.  
  
"He must be out, he's not upstairs either" Sandy said as she walked down the creaky wooden stairs.  
  
This was not an unusual occurrence. Hawkeye was often down on the beach, spending time alone, thinking things through.  
  
"Here sit down", Daniel said, pulling out a chair for Sandy and then started to prepare some dinner. "You've known Hawk for a long time Sandy, and I know how hard it must be for you to stick by him in a time like this, but although he may not show you any gratitude his does appreciate it. I know he does. He had friends in Korea you know, but he doesn't keep in close touch with them. I think it brings back memories, bad ones. I here him at night, tossing and turning, grinding his teeth, getting up and down. The other night I checked on him, can you believe it, I don't think I have checked on him since his mother died when he would cry himself to sleep. He woke up screaming the other night and I went in, He was sweating profusely, his pulse was rapid and his breathing was labored. I had to hold him for a few moments until he settled. I mean, I had to nurse him Sandy!!", his eyes were showing the pain now. "Last time I held him like that was when he was 10 and his mother died."  
  
Sandy sat at the table, thinking it through. She didn't know what was wrong, she just tried to remain friends with him through this rough stage. He wasn't as easy to get along with as he used to be  
  
Daniel continued "You know, I cant remember the last time he laughed contagiously like he used to. He smiled when I brought him home, but I don't think he has smiled since. Toby and Dexter seem to be so busy with their own kids and families at the moment that they just don't have the time for Ben.. And because he isn't the way he used to be, they don't have the time or patience for him either. He needs all the support he can get at the moment and I know you are really trying and so am I, I just wish the boys would help out a little too. Hawk used to be their best friend."  
  
Daniel stopped with his spilling of emotions as he saw Hawkeye walk up the backyard. He had obviously been down at the beach all day. He ran up the back steps, skipping a few with his long legs and walked in the door.  
  
"Oh well look what the cat dragged in" Daniel said, once again trying to ease the tension.  
  
"Dad, we don't have a cat", Hawkeye said seriously. "Hi Sandy, how are you' Hawkeye said as he leaned forward and pecked her on the cheek.  
  
"I'm well, I thought you'd be up for some poker or something later" Sandy said trying to dismiss his sulky mood. How are you wasn't Hawkeye's usual greeting. He used to make a pass at her or make a wisecrack - make her laugh.  
  
"Well I guess there's nothing else to do is there. Yep, I'll play a little poker."  
  
"Great! A little poker always relaxes me, especially after a long day" Sandy replied with complete innocence.  
  
Little did she know that the comment shot an arrow through his heart. It reminded him of Korea, it reminded him of Margaret.  
  
With that comment, Hawkeye let out a deep breathe and walked out of the kitchen.  
  
"I think I'll take a shower", he said abruptly. His cool ending to the short conversation left Daniel and Sandy exchanging looks again. Daniel continued to prepare the dinner as Sandy read through a magazine in silence. Daniel felt a little embarrassed by his son's behavior, but Sandy just let it slide.  
  
Upstairs Hawkeye undressed out of his layered clothing. It was cold down on the beach but he didn't mind. It was the only place he felt he could escape from the real world, the world he just couldn't face alone. He would build a fire when he went down there and camped out all day. He let the hot water run down his skin and through his thick black hair. He thought of Margaret again. Her face, that body, those lips. She was driving him insane. But he wouldn't ring her. He didn't want to be rejected by her. She had once told him what her custom fit was, and he didn't meet the description. He was not what she was looking for. Some of the locals had tried to set him up with some of the local girls who were single. As far as they were concerned he was a good catch. He was a doctor, he had good prospects, he had money and he was good looking. They wanted to settle down and have kids with him but he wanted more. He wanted to love a woman with all his heart, care for her, protect her, provide for her. These women were after his lifestyle and the money that he could potentially earn so they could attend the country club and drive the latest car. He would be a mere accessory to help fulfill there childhood dreams.  
  
He turned the shower off and stepped out. He wiped the condensation off the mirror and looked at his naked reflection. He needed a shave badly. He was starting to look scruffy.  
  
"What has happened to you Ben?" He said talking to himself. It tried to smile and be his normal self but it seemed impossible. He was scared of himself and he needed help, he couldn't get better on his own.  
  
________________________________________________________________  
  
The taxi pulled up outside the motel called "The Cove Lodge". Margaret got out of the cab with her bags and made her way inside to the front desk. A fairly well rounded lady came to the desk to help her.  
  
"Hello dear, can I help you?" She asked gently to Margaret. "Are you alright, you look a little lost and confused?" Her voice was full of concern.  
  
"Yes, I would like a room for." Margaret thought for a moment. She had know idea how long she would be in Crabapple cove, "Well you had better make it 2 nights to begin with, but I may need to extend that, I'm just not sure right now."  
  
"That's ok dear, I'll take you to your room", with no further questions asked she picked up Margarets suitcase and led her down a hall. "My name is Betsy by the way, I'm the owner of the motel." She said proudly with a smile spreading across her face. She stopped at a door and got the keys out.  
  
"How do you do, I'm Margaret" She said politely.  
  
"Well Margaret, what brings you here, if you don't mind me asking" She said as she fussed over the blinds in the room. And then without waiting for a response, "I'm sure you will be comfortable here."  
  
"Betsy" a man called from down the hall. "Oh dear, that's my husband, he would've just got back from fishing. Now dinner will be over at 8:30 so you might want to make your way down to the dining room and breakfast is served between 7 and 9am. Enjoy your stay dear" and with that she left the room.  
  
Margaret was thankful she didn't have to admit why she was in the cove. She figured in a small town such as this, news would travel quickly and so would rumours. She wouldn't simply be able to say 'a friend' as she would then be required to state the person's name. She figured the Pierce family would be well known and news would travel fast. She was exhausted from her travels and lay back on the wooden bed. The room was decorated nicely, much nicer than her unit at the army base. She couldn't believe she was in Crabapple Cove. She had heard about it for 3 years endlessly from Hawkeye. Before she could think of the day ahead tomorrow, she closed her tired eyes and fell asleep. 


	3. Chapter Three

Chapter 3  
  
"Morning son" Daniel said bluntly.  
  
"Hmmph" he muttered. He was never a good morning person. He didn't say much until he had his breakfast. He rubbed his eyes, yawned and stretched his arms above his head. He then filled the kettle to make some coffee. He sat down again, opposite his dad at the round breakfast table in the kitchen. He just had his pajama bottoms on with his favourite red bath robe wrapped around him.  
  
"You weren't very talkative last night. You know it doesn't make it very easy on poor Sandy when you're like that Hawk" Daniel said sternly about his attitude the night before.  
  
Hawkeye glared at him over the piece of bacon on the end of his fork. He sniffed it then proceeded to eat it. Calmly he put his fork down, folded his arms and replied;  
  
"What Dad? What have I done now? I was perfectly pleasant last night, I had no need to be bitter. Sorry if I wasn't as chirpy as YOU were last night! I don't' make it easy on Sandy. Well, I do apologize, for not cooperating while everyone tries to save me from myself!" Hawkeye's rage got louder as he neared the end of it. Daniel just sat there looking at his son in the eye. Hawkeye went to push his chair back.  
  
"Sit back down NOW" Daniel spoke to him as if he were 12 again. "Now I know something is bothering you, but I don't know what it is. Maybe you should just tell someone and then you will feel a whole lot better. You always used to be the expert on 'making people open up, telling them that they cant keep their emotions locked up' and look at yourself. Sandy is NOT trying to save you. She cares a lot for you Benjamin Franklin so don't' push her away."  
  
"Why? Because she's the only one that cares?"  
  
"Don't be stupid son, you know that I care for you more than anything. Just let us help you get through this hard time. Why cant you tell us what's wrong? That way we can better understand."  
  
"You will never understand. No one will ever understand my problem. I can think of only a few people that could but they are miles away" Hawkeye said with pain evident in his voice.  
  
"BJ rings for you all the time, but you never want to talk" Daniel stated. Daniel had answered the phone many times only to have Hawkeye say "Tell him I'm not home". Or even when he did talk to BJ he was very short, cool even. Hawkeye left the room after his fathers last comment. Once again Daniel was left feeling helpless at the table, which seemed to be the place of many of their arguments of late.  
  
It saddened the elder Pierce man immensely that they had grown miles apart. They had always been so close he thought. They seemed closer when he was thousands of miles away in Korea than he did now, sitting in the same room. They never used to fight like this. The only time they would fight would be about curfews when Hawkeye was in school or watching his manners at the table. Daniel was ready to give up all hope and accept that the son he knew so well had been left behind in Korea. He would eventually have to let go and acknowledge the son he had become.  
  
Hawkeye trudged up the creaky stairs and walked down the hall to his bedroom. It had always been his room. His mother had decorated it in rich greens, blues and reds. The room was quite large. Since he was old enough to have a bed, he had been indulged with a beautiful mahogany queen size bed with matching side tables. The patchwork quilt, which covered the bed was made by his mother, as were the curtains. This bed had been through so much with him. He cried for hours on end when his mother died under the quilt, he cried himself to sleep, he lost his virginity, he had his last night before going to Korea in this bed, he had his first night back from Korea. He lay down on the bed, still in his pajamas and dressing gown and stared up at the ceiling. He was so mad, but he didn't know why. He wasn't angry with his father, he just didn't like being reprimanded for his behavior. And why did he behave that way? He cared for Sandy as well. He was becoming more frustrated as the thoughts wandered in circles through his mind. He couldn't reason with himself. He rolled off the bed, went to the bathroom and got in the shower. The thoughts were still attacking him. He thought of Margaret immediately. It would be nice to see her familiar face again, hear her voice. He had no idea where she was, and didn't really have the self-confidence to call her. That's what he needed. He needed to see a person who could understand what he had been through. He needed to speak with someone who had been through as much hell as he had.  
  
He walked downstairs dressed in his jeans and a red shirt untucked. His dad was reading through some of his paper work before work in the study when Hawkeye entered. He didn't say anything he just stood in the doorway. Without turning around, Daniel sensed his son was standing behind him.  
  
"What is it Hawk?" Daniel said hinting some impatience. He didn't want a repeat of this morning's performance.  
  
"I think I'll go and have lunch with Sandy later. I think I owe it to her after last night." Hawkeye solemnly replied.  
  
"Well that would be really nice, I think she'd really like that. She cares a lot for you Hawk, let her care, ok? What are you going to do with yourself this morning. I'm leaving in 5 minutes."  
  
"I think I'll just hang here this morning. I'll read over those job offers and have a good think"  
  
Hawkeye seemed to spend copious amounts of his time thinking and in the six months since the war he hadn't got very far. Every now and then he would help out at his fathers practice.  
  
"Ok, well I'll leave you to it. Have a nice lunch. Will I see you for dinner."  
  
"Yeah, see you later dad" Hawkeye said with his hands in his pockets while he opened the door for his father.  
  
Margaret woke up after a fairly restless night sleep. All her insecurities seemed to come flooding back to her in her sleep. She got out of bed and got dressed to go down to breakfast. The motel was on the main road through crabapple cove and the restaurant was obviously a popular spot for the locals to have breakfast. It was quite busy with people walking in and out and the waitresses were busy ferrying the food out to the customers. Betsy welcomed her with a big friendly grin.  
  
"Morning dear, did you sleep well?"  
  
"Yes thank you" She lied through her beautiful smile.  
  
"Well here is a table, and here is the menu, just give me or one my girls a wave and they will gladly take your order" Betsy hurried off to the kitchen to bring out more food. Margaret sat in a table in the corner, which she thought was ideal. This way all the locals wouldn't start to question who the outsider was. She skimmed her blue eyes over the menu. One of Betsy's daughters smiled at her over her menu.  
  
"Hello, cant say that you look familiar, but welcome to crabapple cove. Now what can I get you" She smiled at Margaret, but it didn't comfort her. She wished they were rude to her, therefore reducing the chance of asking her why she was there. Margaret was praying that they didn't ask her.  
  
"Thankyou, I'll just have the scrambled eggs" she replied to the young girl who looked to be in her early twenties.  
  
She sat there looking around her, listening absently to the conversations surrounding her. The waitresses were not very busy and were standing around gossiping at the counter behind her. The name of Pierce was mentioned and Margaret's ears were suddenly alert and listening intently. Her heart began to race.  
  
"So Mary, how was your date with crabapple cove's most eligible bachelor" one of the girls asked excitedly.  
  
"It was fantastic. I'm so grateful to mum for setting the whole thing up. Hawkeye was so sweet. He took me out to dinner in Portland and then we went dancing and then."  
  
"And then what Mary?" "Well", Mary paused as the other girls giggled in suspense, "we went back to his place and had a lovely, no should I say, unbelievable time in front of the fire"  
  
Margaret's heart felt like it had stopped beating. The younger girls behind the counter were giggling loudly now. Margaret sat there is silence, staring ahead before lowering her eyes into her lap. She felt pin pricks behind her eyes and breathed in deeply to make them go away like she had so many times before. She was successful. The same waitress interrupted her again,  
  
"Here you go ma'am" and she quickly raced behind the counter so she wouldn't miss a beat of the conversation.  
  
"So when is the next date Mary?", the waitress serving Margaret asked.  
  
"Well he said he would call me, so I'm just waiting now", Mary replied this time with more excitement in her voice.  
  
"OH you're so lucky Mary, just imagine you and THE Hawkeye Pierce, settling down together. Oh how sweet!", the girls continued to giggle. Mary walked out from the counter and Margaret watched her. She was young, around 25 she suspected, fairly tall with long blonde hair and brown eyes.  
  
"Okay, girls break it up" Margaret heard Betsy say behind the counter. Betsy started talking with her daughter Jemima. "Now Jemima, I hope you girls weren't gossiping again about Dr Pierce. You know he is a very troubled man these days. I think Mary should watch herself, I don't think Hawkeye is exactly as easy going as he used to be. I know I wouldn't want you or your sister going out with him. As for settling down, I don't think that's possible. It would take one heck of a woman to con Hawkeye Pierce into holy matrimony. He used to be a lovely kid, he still is in many ways, but he's not the same as he used to be. I predict that poor Mary is going to be heartbroken. Hawkeye isn't interested in her, she was just a bit of fun dear, a fun ride, pardon the expression.  
  
Margaret couldn't help but smile at Betsy's hypocrisy and honesty at the same time. How funny she thought it was that she reprimanded her employees for gossiping when she did exactly the same thing. Margaret couldn't understand why she was hurt by what the girls had said. At the same time she was relieved that he wasn't married or settling down. She knew that this Mary girl was purely for sex, as some of the nurses were at the 4077th. More so she was surprised at what Betsy had said about Hawkeye's personality.  
  
It was time to start thinking about how to approach Hawkeye. Should she just ask where the Pierce residence is or should she just hope to run into Hawkeye at the local shops. She finished her breakfast and made her way back to her room. She needed to wear something nice, something that would get a reaction from Hawkeye. She burrowed into her suitcase and pulled out a chocolate brown suede skirt, with a pink shirt and matching brown jacket. She wore some black low high heels, brushed her hair and left it out and placed the matching soft hat on her head. She looked at her reflection in the mirror and decided it was a cute outfit considering it was winter and it was harder to look beautiful when you were all rugged up. She left the motel, not really knowing how she was going to do this. She was excited and nervous at the same time. She walked out along the pavement and down the main road. For a small town, it had quite a few shops, obviously all owned by locals. The town had everything you would ever need. No wonder people never left she thought. It was how she had pictured the dream like town. It was like one of those towns in the movies. Where everyone says hello and how are you. The shops lined the main street, whilst a few roads led to the wharves behind the shops and the beach. The beach had its own beauty as well. She could picture Hawkeye playing there as a young child with no worries in the world. As she walked along, some of the towns people looked at her funny, measuring her up, trying to identify who this beautiful blonde was. She kept walking down the street, and the row of shops ended. Next to the post office was small wooden cottage, very neatly presented in a shade of turquoise. A short pathway led to a few steps and up onto a small porch. The sign positioned on the small rectangle of green grass at the front read:  
  
General Practitioner Dr. D. Pierce And then in smaller font underneath:  
  
Afterhours: 18 Poplars Street Crabapple Cove Ph: 450 229  
  
That must be their home residence Margaret thought. She walked back down to the motel to her room and looked at the map on the bedside table. Her heart was once again pounding. She couldn't believe she was just standing in front of Hawkeye's dad's surgery. She looked at the map carefully, trying to pin point Poplars Street. It was a winding road, which went up the peninsular and around the headland. It was a dead end and a very private street. According to the map it would take her approximately 20 minutes to walk up there. She put the map down, grabbed her bag and made her way up to 18 Poplars Street, Crabapple Cove.  
  
NB: I know that wasn't the greatest chapter but I needed something in the middle if you know what I mean. Please continue to R & R! Chapter 4 should be up soon! 


	4. Chapter Four

Chapter 4  
  
Margaret could feel her feet propelling her forward as fast as they could. She must have looked strange to the people passing her by. She was all flustered, and excited and nervous. She had every emotion rushing through her body. What she would say to Hawkeye was not known. She began to play out their meeting in her head. Hawkeye would stride up to her, exclaiming her name with a big grin across his face, pick her up and spin her round and give her one of those warm comforting hugs he had given her in Korea. The scene played over in her mind, over and over again. Poplars Street was all up hill from the village. The road wound its way around the curves of coastline. Just as she thought she would end up at the lighthouse as she reached the top of the hill slightly breathless, the road sharply turned right. She stood there for a moment and looked back down upon the sleepy fishing town. It was so beautiful, and with a deep breathe she looked up at the street sign, "Poplars Street". Here we go, Margaret said to herself with incertainty. She turned right and the road was now all down hill. The road was straight with a bend at the bottom and appeared to follow a thin peninsular off the headland. She reached the bottom of the hill and read the numbers as she slowed down her walking pace.  
  
"Number 12...Number 14", all the houses were very sweet looking cottages. She walked around the bend in the road, "number 16..." She realized which number she had reached and looked forward to the address of number 18 Poplars Street. She walked forward, slowly approaching the Pierce residence. Her heart started to beat loudly and it felt as though it would jump out of her chest. She stood in front of number 18 and admired it for a few moments. It was a little more private than the other homes in the street. It was at the very end of the street where it stopped. The house looked to have a lot of land. The house was painted blue with white shutters and a front porch and an attic. A driveway went down the side of the house to a garage and a neat pathway, lined with flowers lead to the wooden stairs to the porch and entrance. She proceeded through the white picket fence with blue trim. It had a few vines interlacing their way between the pickets. She unlatched the gate and slowly closed it behind her, not wanting to disturb the quiet serenity of the street. She almost felt like a child walking through an area, which was out of bounds to her. She walked self consciously as she felt like someone may be watching her. She stepped up the wooden stairs and up onto the porch, which was also wooden. She looked at the porch before knocking. It was very wide, with a seat swing and a few armchairs. It had a white railing, and some of the plants from the garden were reaching their fingers through the wooden panes. Margaret took in a deep breath and knocked on the door three times rather quickly, in a nervous fashion. As she stood there she fixed her jacket over her shirt and fiddled with the ends of her soft blonde hair, which were under the suede hat. She heard large stride steps coming towards the door. Her heart was pounding harder than ever before and she was becoming a little clammy and the butterflies in her stomach were now doing summersaults and cartwheels. The footsteps stopped and the door was unlatched from the inside. It opened before her.  
  
"Well, I don't believe I ordered a beautiful blonde, but you will do very nicely" the older man said with a broad smile across his face. Margaret's heart half stopped when she saw the older man. She was so sure Hawkeye was going to answer the door and greet her. She remained smiling but the disappointment must have shone through her icy blue eyes.  
  
"Ahhh, I was looking for a Benjamin Franklin Pierce or Hawkeye, either one will do" she continued to smile. The older man had the same nose as Hawkeye and mouth but his eyes were brown and his skin a little darker, revealing the Italian background in the family.  
  
"And both Ben and Hawkeye would be delighted to see you I'm sure. No wonder you looked a little disappointed when I answered the door. You were expecting the younger Pierce. I should have known it would be too good to be true to have beautiful blonde like yourself come to visit me." They were still at the door smiling at each other. Margaret remained in a state of shock that Hawkeye hadn't answered the door as he had in her mind. Furthermore, she was standing in front of the man whom Hawkeye talked about so often. There was a sudden discomfort. She could tell by his eyes that he was wondering who she was and what she was doing on his doorstep. "Don't think me rude, but I haven't seen you in the cove before, are you new to town?" His eyes and voice asked her inquisitively.  
  
"Oh I beg your pardon" Margaret said slightly embarrassed, "My name is Margaret Houlihan and you must be Hawkeye's father, Dr Pierce." Margaret extended her hand to shake Daniel's, which of course he kindly accepted  
  
"Hand the lady a cigar and please call me Daniel," he said as he stepped aside and moved his arm in a manor to invite Margaret into his home. He led her through to the living room and asked her to sit down.  
  
"I'm sorry to turn up on your doorstep unannounced like this, its." Daniel cut her off.  
  
"Don't be silly Margaret, I should have known it was you when I saw you. Hawkeye has a picture of you and him laughing together at a party and not to mention the endless descriptions of you in his letters from Korea" Daniel sat on the opposite sofa to Margaret and leaned forward on his knees as he spoke easily to her.  
  
"Oh, well that is very sweet of you to say so" She replied and blushed slightly. She felt very at ease talking with Daniel and although they had just met, they felt like they had known each other for years.  
  
"You know Margaret, I almost feel as though I am talking to one of Hawkeye's childhood friends, I feel as though I know you already" He said to her smiling again as he rubbed his hand through his thick gray hair.  
  
"I must say that I feel the same way" Margaret replied still smiling. Although Hawkeye wasn't there she couldn't help but smile. Here she was sitting in Hawkeye's lounge room, talking with his father, the situation almost seemed surreal.  
  
"Hawkeye is actually out at lunch today. I come home for lunch most days though. Hawk had to take an old friend of his to lunch today as a way of apologizing for the performance he put on last night. He can be quite spectacular when he 's feeling up to it." Daniel spoke sarcastically of his son.  
  
"I take it his performance was not well taken by his audience then?" Margaret asked, trying not to sound overly concerned.  
  
"Well.why don't you join me for lunch here. Hawk left about half an hour ago, you probably just missed him in town. I think we better have a little chat" Daniel said as he got up off the couch and led Margaret to the kitchen.  
  
The house was fairly large considering it was just Hawkeye and his father living there. The lounge room was a nice deep red colored room with a floral border around the ceiling. The ceilings were high and white. A dining room or area was also part of the large room. Rich colored carpets were on the floor over the deeply colored wooden oak floorboards. As they entered the kitchen, Daniel insisted that she sit down and let him look after her. He prepared lunch and spoke to her at the same time.  
  
"Hawkeye's performances have been more regular since he returned from the war. He's not the same Hawkeye I let go of at Portland station a few years ago. He changed over there, which is understandable, but he has become so distant and absent minded of late. He doesn't make wise cracks like he used to. His infectious laugh can't be heard from the beach anymore. We even fight like you wouldn't believe about the most irrelevant things, we never used to fight, maybe once every blue moon if we remembered to." Daniel stopped as he continued to chop up the vegetable for a salad. "Please don't be alarmed Margaret. The last thing he needs is to lose another friend. You know you just might be able to help."  
  
"What makes you think I can help him. I came here with the picture of the man I lived with in Korea. I might be as shocked as you are." She said, she was no longer smiling and Daniel noticed her eyes had become very concerned.  
  
"Margaret, I can't tell you how glad I am that you are here. You have been through the war with Hawk, you may be able to understand his pain more than I do. He keeps telling me that I wont understand and that I will never understand. I think there are several things eating him at the moment, but the major cause is the war."  
  
"What else would worry Hawkeye" Margaret replied flatly.  
  
"Well I honestly think he worries about never settling down. He goes on dates with some of the local girls and complains about their naivety and ignorance. Yet he cannot stand the site of them with another man. I think he worries that he will never settle down and have a family, hence why he is protective of the few women he has up his sleeve for future wives, if you know what I mean."  
  
"Hawkeye never seemed like the settling down type to me" Margaret said, her eyes full of concern.  
  
"That's what I mean by everything coming back to the war, something over there had changed his mind, not that I mind of course, but I just wish he could find happiness and sooner rather than later" Daniel said with a little agitation in his voice. Margaret realized that her visit with Hawkeye might not be as easy as she had planned. He was obviously not coping with the aftermath of the war. Margaret wasn't coping either. She didn't care that Hawkeye may not be himself for the moment; all she wanted was to feel his arms around her and have her head just fall against his chest.  
  
"Well, I'll honestly just be satisfied if he is happy to see me. I wouldn't want him to take one look at me and run or something" Margaret laughed a little nervously to try and lighten the dark turn the conversation had taken.  
  
"Oh don't you worry about that, I have never known Hawk not to welcome a beautiful lady into our home." Daniel laughed at Margarets light hearted joke, but he saw the angst in her face. He put his hand across and placed it on top of hers and looked her in the eye sincerely and honestly, the same way Hawkeye would if Margaret was upset about something. "Don't worry.he'll be delighted to see you, I promise you that, but I can't promise any more."  
  
They sat at the table over lunch both sharing stories about the Hawkeye they both knew only too well. The conversation shifted onto Margaret then, and she was put on the spot.  
  
"So" Daniel started with some food on the end of his fork. Margaret prayed that he wouldn't sniff the food which he didn't, he just ate it, "we have spoken a lot about Hawk, but not much about you. Tell me, where do you live and what do you do with yourself?"  
  
Margaret proceeded to answer as well as she could without letting her eyes give away too much. Margaret feared that Daniel could read her eyes as well as Hawkeye could and tried hard to give little away.  
  
"Well I'm working in an stateside army hospital in Atlanta Georgia. I'm head nurse there just as I was at the 4077th." She sounded proud and confident.  
  
"And a damned good one I hear!" Daniel said with his smile spreading across from one ear to the other. "So are you happy there?"  
  
God she hated that question with a passion. How could she answer without letting her emotion show somehow? She tried to control all that was inside her but couldn't. She looked at Daniel and simply replied "Not particularly."  
  
Daniel was a little taken a back by her direct and honest answer. "Oh" was all he could say at first and then "Is that why you are having some time off." He said reaching across to the salad bowl and taking another helping, not making eye contact.  
  
"Yeah, I just got a months leave, so I thought I would come and visit," she left it at that.  
  
"Well its nice of you to think of Hawk and to come and see him. Many of his friends haven't the time for him now that he is not the Hawkeye they knew and loved. Anyway." Daniel drifted off as the conversation returned to Hawkeye's state. He thought he should stop warning Margaret about his own son. Margaret was a little taken a back by his last comment. Hawkeye always used to talk about his great childhood friends from the cove, "Haven't they stuck by him?" Margaret thought silently in her head. Daniel noticed Margaret's expression as she stared at the table in front of her, he broke the silence.  
  
"My nurse is off this afternoon, but if you like you can come with me and you can help me out where needed. It will give you something to do and I'm not sure when Hawk will be back, he said he would be back for dinner though"  
  
"Well that sounds good to me, it would be a pleasure to work with someone I have heard so much about. Hawk admires you so much, maybe more than you realize" Margaret said gently to the other man. He looked at her and smiled, her remark gave him a little comfort.  
  
"It would be an honor to serve with you too Margaret." Daniel smiled across the table at her.  
  
Margaret decided to go with Daniel rather than hang at home and wait for Hawkeye. She felt a little funny about waiting there for Hawkeye in his home. Despite Daniel making her feel quite at home, she wouldn't feel comfortable waiting in the house.  
  
"It shouldn't be too busy this afternoon, it will just be nice to have some company and someone to answer the blasted phone for me", Margaret smiled up at him and got up from the table, taking the plates with her. "Uh uh uh, let me do that" Daniel reprimanded her, and took the plates to the kitchen. "Well.we best be off. You know, when I think about, the practice is quite busy considering the size of this place. All the kids are pretty mischievous though, so we get a lot of broken bones and that kind of thing" He said laughing at the thought of his patients.  
  
Daniel gathered up his jacket and brief case as they walked out the back door. The backyard was rather extensive. It had an outdoor area, which was paved with bricks and had an outdoor barbeque. A large wooden table, able to seat about eight people was next to the barbeque. Margaret thought the Pierces must have done a lot of entertaining in the summer.  
  
"Your very lucky to have such a fantastic entertainment area. Do you use it much over the summer?" Margaret inquired.  
  
Daniel stopped on his way to the garage and looked at the area. "Well, my wife, Alyssa, loved to entertain, and Hawk and I would use it a fair bit in the summer but he was away for so many summers. I didn't hold any parties while he was over in Korea though, it didn't seem right to have a lot of fun when he was going through hell, if you know what I mean. I didn't want him to feel like he was missing out on too much by not being here." Daniel turned around and smiled at Margaret who was looking at the yard taking it all in. She simply could not believe she was in Hawkeye's home, the place he had told her so much about in Korea. She just stood there taking it in. Daniel once again broke the silence.  
  
"It's great in summer," he began in a lighter tone, "the beach is just behind the trees there." He pointed his arm in the direction of a dirt path through the trees. "There's a little stream which runs through the trees and beyond that lies the beach. You'll have to some back in July for another visit!" Daniel was so lovely and friendly. Not once did he imply that he didn't want her there. He seemed to be so content with her company, even if she did ask a lot of questions. Margaret figured his openness and friendly nature must come from years of loneliness. Sure he had Hawkeye there, but he was gone for three years and before that he was doing his five years residency in Boston.  
  
"Well little lady, its time we hit the road!" Daniel said in a southern accent and took her by the arm and led her to the car in the garage. He opened the garage door and opened the passenger door for Margaret like a true gentleman. They backed out the long straight driveway, which ran down the side of the house. "I very rarely walk to work these days, the distance seems further these days." Daniel remarked as they drove towards the village.  
  
As they drove Margaret couldn't help but notice how talkative Daniel was. He spoke to her about Hawkeye again. He was so obviously concerned about his son, otherwise he wouldn't bring it up in conversation as often as he did. Margaret began to conjure up a picture of the Hawkeye that she was going to see, not the Hawkeye she thought she would see. She didn't know whether or not it would bother her to see him distraught. She thought about Daniel's comments about his friends not sticking by him and decided that she would be there for him should he need her. If he didn't need her, she would say her hellos and goodbyes and head back to Georgia.  
  
They pulled up outside the practice and Daniel opened the gate for her. The walked up the pathway to the front porch and Daniel unlocked the door. The waiting room was very quaint and cute, which gave the surgery a homely feel. Daniel sure did have a way of making people feel at home and at ease. He found her a uniform to put on. No patients arrived for a while, so they spent the afternoon chatting over coffee and laughing. Margaret was already having a wonderful time, she just hoped it continued when she saw Hawkeye again.  
  
NB: Okay guys hang in there, they will be meeting really soon!!!! Please continue to R & R even of you already have, I need all the feedback I can get. Thanks and enjoy! 


	5. Chapter Five

Chapter 5  
  
NB: I know this has taken me ages to get to the meeting but I like detail and dragging out the drama. Hang in there though, we all know that they will eventually get together so just be patient. Please continue to review so I know you are all still reading! Thanks, Jessie Clare  
  
Hawkeye pulled into the driveway about an hour and a half after Margaret and Daniel left. He parked the dark green 1945 De Soto in the driveway and headed inside. He walked in the door, slumped onto the couch and turned the television on. Lunch had gone better than he had planned. Lucky for Hawkeye, Sandy was so forgiving. She had no idea what Hawkeye had been through, and she didn't try to understand. She was just there for him, if he needed her. Hawkeye sat there thinking about Sandy, "God I'm lucky she even bothers with me" he thought to himself. "Hey, I'm lucky dad hasn't thrown me out yet!". He tried to joke to himself. He knew that he was being difficult, but he couldn't help it. It seemed as though everyone and everything got under his skin and made him agitated. He didn't really want to talk about his problems either. Everyone would just think that his cheese had slipped off his cracker, and this town loved a little gossip, especially about one of their favorite and famous citizens. He sat there and lay back on the couch as he watched the black and white scenes played before him. As he knelt back into the pillows his ever so sensitive nose turned up and he sat up suddenly screwing up his face. He sat up straight and looked at the pillow peculiarly. He picked it up and held it right up to his nose. The smelt reminded him of someone, but who? And what was it doing on the lounge suite? He continued to sniff it and look at the pillow as if to talk to it. "How come you were lucky enough to score this scent on you? Anyone would think Margaret Houlihan had sat on you?" The realization flooded his face. That's who it smelt like. He loved that scent on Margaret, it was so fruity and gentle yet strong at the same time. It reflected her personality.  
  
"Ok Hawkeye" he spoke out loud to himself, "now you're really cracking up, now you think you can smell Margaret!" He huffed at himself, brushing the realization off as another one of his episodes in which he longs to be close to someone from the 4077th.  
  
He lay back down on the couch, taking in the scent. His dad would be home in about an hour. After watching television for half an hour he got decidedly bored and got up to go for a walk on the beach.  
  
"Well Margaret, its about 5pm, and its not busy so I think its safe to head home" He looked over to Margaret, her expression was full of angst. Daniel put his arm around her "Hey, don't worry, Hawkeye will be so happy to see you" he said trying to comfort her nerves. He rubbed her arm and looked straight into her watery eyes the same way Hawkeye would. "You'll be fine Margaret..now do you want to get changed or are you just as happy to come with me back to the house" Daniel said trying to take her mind off her thoughts.  
  
"I think I'll just come over now, I can't be bothered getting changed. I dare say Betsy will have a wad of questions for me tomorrow though when she realizes I was out all day", Margaret laughed and Daniel laughed with her.  
  
"Yes, well, Betsy doesn't exactly mind her own business..but then again, not many people around here do!" He said as he picked up his briefcase and headed for the front door. As Margaret was leaving the small cottage Daniel remarked, "You only have to look at Hawk - you can't tell me he didn't have his nose in everyone's business in Korea"  
  
"Well, he was always poking his nose in mine, but I think it's more out of genuine sensitivity rather than malicious gossip."  
  
"I think he gets that sensitivity from his mother and the nosiness from me!" Daniel laughed and guided Margaret to the car and they got in.  
  
Daniel started the engine and moved away from the curve. "You know Margaret, I have had a lot of fun this afternoon," he turned and smiled at her.  
  
"I've had a nice time too, thanks for keeping me busy for the afternoon"  
  
"No problem, anytime. Now I guess we better plan what we are going to do at home. I'm cooking dinner tonight, so while I'm doing that I'll leave you two alone to chat."  
  
"So." Margaret mused, "Umm, am I just going to walk in with you, and say 'surprise! Hey remember me, I am that blonde from Korea!'" Margaret said sarcastically.  
  
"No need for the latter, he could never forget you. Trust me, I have the letters from Korea to prove it! As for the walking in bit, just tag behind me or something. I dunno, it will just happen, don't stress about it. Just think in less than five minutes you'll be standing in front of Hawk, and that's much more attractive than standing in front of his 63 year old father!" He was trying to lift Margaret's nerves.  
  
The pulled round the sharp right corner into Poplars Street and drove down the hill and round the bend. He pulled into the drive and parked behind the De Soto. Margaret presumed this was Hawkeye's car. The got out of the car, Margaret tried to close her door as quietly as possible, so Hawkeye wouldn't suspect someone else was coming home with his Dad. She felt so torn, she felt like she was trying to hide from him yet at the same time she just wanted to run up to him and give him a huge hug. They walked up the wooden steps to the front door. Daniel turned around to Margaret and gave her one last reassuring smile. Margaret didn't smile back. She was unbelievably nervous, more nervous than she was earlier that day. She straightened her clothing and took her hat off. Daniel opened the front door. "Hey Hawk, I'm home" He turned again to Margaret  
  
"Yeah dad I'm in the kitchen fixing a snack" Hawkeye hollered back to his father. Margaret couldn't believe she just heard his voice. Her heart was flying high now. It was all about to happen.  
  
Daniel quickly turned to Margaret, "I'm just gonna walk through to the study, you wait here though" He said quietly to Margaret, holding her forearm and looking her straight in the eyes. "Hawk! There is a surprise for you at the front door, ou might wanna come and get it. I'll just be in the study." And just like that Daniel left Margaret standing at the front door. Margaret closed the front door behind her and stood in the entrance hall. Hawkeye didn't answer his father but she heard footsteps in the lounge room. They began to get closer, She could here him mumbling something derogatory about the surprise. And then, suddenly he was before her.  
  
Margaret stood there, she didn't know what to do but stand there. She didn't know how to approach him.  
  
Shyly, she said, "Hi Hawkeye" and that was the best she could come up with.  
  
"Margaret?!" Hawkeye looked at her in disbelief. "My god, is that really you"  
  
Out of pure joy and relief to see him, a tear ran down Margaret's peach complexion. "Yes" she said, trying not to break up.  
  
"Margaret" he said it again and moved forward and put his arms around her. He held onto her tightly and Margaret could feel the desperation in his bones. She wrapped her arms around him and rested her head against his chest. He rubbed the back of her head and kissed her forehead gently. He then put his hand to her face and turned it so he could see her. She still looked so beautiful he thought. Her eyes were a little watery and but still a beautiful icy blue. She smiled at him, there was no need for words at that moment. They were both content holding each other. He had not come running to her with all his energy like he used to, or dipped her and kissed her, he simply held her. She looked into his deep blue eyes, they were full of sorrow. She could feel his pain through his muscular arms holding her ever so firmly. He was still handsome. His salt and pepper hair had almost recovered to its original black. He wasn't as long and lanky as he had been in Korea. Margaret couldn't hold it in anymore. All of her emotions that had built up during the past forty eight hours of worry and angst came to the surface. Her tears started to run down her face like little rivers and she started to sob silently. Hawkeye lifted her head and broke the silence between them.  
  
"Hey don't cry Margaret, what are those tears for" he said to her, wiping them away with his fingertips.  
  
"Everything, for you, for me, my life, your life, life in general" she said between sobs. It had been so long since she had opened up to anyone, or cried on anyone's shoulder. In fact the last time would have been when they left the 4077th on the 27th July, 1953. Hawkeye led her into the lounge room and they sat on the couch where she had been earlier. Hawkeye sat her down next to him and cuddled her to him, rubbing her back and massaging her shoulders. God, it felt good to be in his arms again. She had needed this embrace for so long now, at the same token, Hawkeye felt the same way.  
  
"I understand how you feel Margaret" he kissed her hand and held it. "I cant tell you how glad I am that you are here. I think I was about to lose it again. No one around here understands my pain, but you do Margaret, I know you do."  
  
Daniel saw the two chatting on the couch and left them too it. There was no need to interrupt and explain, it would all be accounted for later. They didn't talk much, they just sat silently, absorbing each others embrace. There would be plenty of time to catch up later.  
  
Daniel surprised Margaret with his excellent cooking by the special meal he had prepared for her arrival. Daniel knew this would be good for Hawkeye, finally someone for his son to relate to. He hoped that Margaret could help renew Hawkeye into himself again.  
  
Dinner was very pleasant, unlike the night before when Sandy had come by. There was an instant change in Hawkeye, he wasn't rude to Margaret or his father and even made the odd joke and wisecrack. Daniel was not the only one who noticed the change, Hawkeye noticed it within himself. The arrival of Margaret made him so much more comfortable in himself. He finally felt like he could relax a little, without being worried he may appear a little different to his former self and worried about what people thought of him, but he knew Margaret wouldn't judge.  
  
"Well kids, I think I'll retire to upstairs now, but I'll see you in the morning. Don't get up to mischief now" Daniel said with a cheeky smile. Margaret's presence had made Daniel more relaxed around his own son. As he walked upstairs he thought about how weird it was, that Hawkeye and him had always had a wonderful relationship, yet after the war they fell so distant and it took someone Daniel didn't even know, for it to begin to get better. He thanked god for Margaret's arrival. He sat down on his bed and looked at the photo of Alyssa on his bedside table. He smiled at her and said "Thankyou".  
  
Meanwhile Margaret and Hawkeye went into the living room. Although they were good friends, they resumed their position on the couch in each others arms, just holding one another. Margaret moved her head to look at Hawkeye.  
  
"I think we should have a chat about things, don't you?" Hawkeye looked at her in mock disbelief, "Margaret, am I hearing right or is this just a dream. Are you asking me to talk - I thought it was the other way round."  
  
"Well, WE can both talk, I think WE both need it" she said lightly hitting his arm and emphasizing the word 'we'.  
  
"I think I need a drink first" Hawkeye said pushing himself off the couch. Margaret just smiled at him and thought it very typical. "What can I get you, scotch?"  
  
"That will do just fine" Margaret replied. Hawkeye bought the drinks over and sat down next to Margaret.  
  
"To old friends" he said, looking at her. Damn she was beautiful Hawkeye thought, the warm lighting of the living room made Margaret's skin, eyes and hair glow. All he wanted to do was take her in his arms and make love to her. Margaret interrupted his thoughts.  
  
"So, I guess they right place to start would be from the begiining. Tell me from the start Hawkeye, from when you left the camp on the helicopter to this very moment"  
  
"Tell you about my trip? Oh it was a little bumpy but I got here safe and sound and now six months later you are sitting here in my home, whereas before we would have been in the officers club, Rosies or the Swamp. I think that just about sums it up" Hawkeye said with sarcasm whilst fidgeting with his shirt. Margaret saw straight through him.  
  
"Hawk, you know what I am talking about, how have you been, have you been coping are you alright, are you in love?" That last question shot a sharp pain through his heart. He placed his glass down on the coffee table and stood up with his hands in his pockets.  
  
"Ok ok.well the helicopter took off and I looked back on the camp, I couldn't believe the day had come to say our goodbyes and go home. While we were there, home just became this artificial place miles away where a few lucky people got sent. It almost seemed like we would never see the day, and that we would always be there, just dreaming of home. I began to stop dreaming I think. I didn't think anymore about what my life would be like when I returned, or what I would do. I thought about how it was before I left, not what it would be like after the war. The helicopter left and I couldn't believe I had said goodbye to the people I had spent three years of my life with." Margaret gave him a sad smile, Hawkeye paused for a moment. "That time was a lifetime in itself. I couldn't comprehend that the day had come to say goodbye to BJ, the man who had become my best friend, and just like that we were taken away from each other and we all went our separate ways. I guess I got to Kimpo and I was pretty quiet, so many things were rushing through my mind. I got on the plane, I had a window seat and the whole time I spent looking back at Korea like it was too late to go back. I felt so torn Margaret, I wanted to come home yet at the same time I actually wanted to stay. I don't know why, I guess I - I - I felt like I had left something behind." Margaret continued to look at Hawkeye, she knew exactly how he felt. "Then when I finally got to Portland and dad greeted me. I was still in a state of shock that I was in fact stateside, I felt like I was dreaming, it was all so surreal. Then I got back home and I just couldn't settle back in. I don't think I have had a good night sleep since I got back and I always figured I would be fine when I got back. But everything started to haunt me and not only the war. I seemed to forget over in Korea all the things which had haunted me and hurt me at home. But when I got back, more memories came flooding back. Memories of the war were mixed with memories of Carlye and how she broke my heart and my mother, and how much I loved her and missed her. Everything Margaret, EVERYTHING came back to haunt me, and quite frankly I haven't been the same since." He was running his hands through his hair and talking a little faster and louder. He was starting to rave, like he used to do in OR. Margaret continued to watch him as he let it all out. Her eyes followed him around the room. "People round here don't like change, including changed in people. I'm not the Hawkeye that they remember. I would give anything to be him again, and I'm trying, but its hard to go back. My old friends like Toby and Dexter, they don't know what to do with me, they don't want to be with me. Sandy has been great though, but I cant vent on her like I am doing now with you. None of them understand, and I don't want to explain to them. That's what I like about telling you Margaret, I don't have to explain a thing. Anyway, Dad and me fight a lot now, I get really irritated by the smallest things he does, and I don't know why"  
  
"Well I'm no Sidney Freedman Hawk, but you obviously have been taking our pain out on your father" Margaret said as Hawkeye stopped and looked at her. His eyes were full of pain. He sat back down next to Margaret and placed his head in his hands.  
  
"God, I have made such a mess of everything. My life, dad's life, you better watch out Margaret or I'll screw things up for you too" He tried to joke but Margaret just looked straight into his eyes. She moved towards him and held him close to her.  
  
"Its too late, I don't think my life could be any worse either" She whispered in his ear. He pulled away from her.  
  
"Margaret are you alright?"  
  
"No" she said, half smiling at him, her eyes watery.  
  
"Well I guess its your turn."  
  
"OK, well. I too had mixed emotions about leaving Korea as well. I think all of you at the 4077th helped me to grow so much as a person, to which I am eternally grateful. So much happened to me over there, and I came back a very different person. After I returned, about September I got back to the states, I was transferred to a stateside army hospital in Atlanta, Georgia. I just haven't been happy since the day we left the 4077th. Unlike you I know what I left behind. I left behind my family and friends. You have no idea how much I cared for, and loved you all. I know I didn't show it often enough and I have been kicking myself for that ever since I got back" Margaret's voice was beginning to break. Hawkeye put his arm around her, but she stood up and wiped her tears away with the back of her hand. "I have been so lonely and depressed Hawkeye. I dread work everyday, I dread life itself from the moment I wake up. I hate the hospital, I hate the doctors and nurses there. I'm head nurse, but I still hate it!" Her tears were rolling down her cheeks now. "So, I had enough the other day, I signed myself for one months R & R and I packed my bags and got a taxi to the train station. I just had to get away, there was only one train when I got there, it was the last one until morning and I couldn't wait that long. It said it was headed for Portland Maine, so I got on it and never looked back. Then I realized I was headed your way and thought I would stop by and say "Hey remember me!" she tried to hide her smile but it quickly turned to a frown. Hawkeye stood up and she buried her head in his chest and sobbed into him, staining his shirt with her tears. Hawkeye ran his hands through her hair and had a few tears as well.  
  
"Its ok Margaret, your most welcome here, infact, I cant tell you how glad I am to see you, words just wont express my relief. You have only been here a few hours yet have already made me feel more like myself again"  
  
Margaret lifted her head and looked at him. "Thankyou" and then after a few moments "Hey Hawk? Did you keep in touch with anyone from the 4077th"  
  
"I haven't spoken to BJ in a while. I have been so torn up inside though, I just cant hold a conversation with BJ like a used to. He is so happy with Erin and Peg, and I am so unhappy that it is impossible for me to be happy for anyone else. I just envy his happiness so much."  
  
"You could have what he had one day too, Hawk"  
  
He laughed a little at Margaret's suggestion. "I don't think anyone wants a doctor whose cheese has slipped off his cracker." He looked at her, but she was not smiling. "Well I tried dating some of the local talent but they just don't do it for me. They are so naïve, they have no idea about the pain and suffering this world can cause and it annoys me that they can be so ignorant. They are so insular, living in this place, they have never got out of here and experienced anything different. They think everywhere is just like crabapple cove. I almost find it offensive after spending three years of my life in a flea pen!"  
  
It was obvious to Margaret that Hawkeye could not get over the war. It had effected him to a depth that she never thought possible from a man she leant on so often. They continued to talk about their lives since the war. Margaret began to feel tired though, and decided that would be enough for one day.  
  
"Hawkeye, I think I should get back to the motel, I'm very tired. This day has been full of surprises to say the least!"  
  
"Don't you dare, I'll take you back to Betsy's but only to get your stuff, you're staying here with me and dad" Margaret was too tired to argue. "Come on I'll get the keys for dad's car seeing he's parked behind me, although I cant wait for you to come for a spin in my prided possession 1945 De Soto!" He smiled at her and opened the front door for her.  
  
"Won't Betsy be surprised to see you bring me back, boy will she want answers!" Margaret said as they drove toward the village.  
  
"I'm surprised she didn't know what you were up to, Betsy knows everything!"  
  
"Haha, she tried believe me, but every time she asked me, she got distracted, so she never found out"  
  
"Well here we are, Crabapple Coves one and only motel!" They walked in together only to see Betsy sitting right in front of them at the desk.  
  
"Well well well," she said "Don't tell me our town doctor has already wooed you in Margaret."  
  
"Well actually Betsy, she came to surprise me, Margaret and I served in the same unit in Korea"  
  
After all was out in the open and all had been explained, Hawkeye and Margaret left with her bags and got back in the car. Betsy was now eyeing Margaret suspiciously, Hawkeye and Margaret just laughed. It felt so good to laugh again. Both of them hadn't laughed for months. In just a few hours, their lives had become so much happier. 


	6. Chapter Six

Chapter 6  
  
Hawkeye carried Margaret's bags upstairs to the spare bedroom. It was lavishly decorated with ornaments and many photos.  
  
"Mum decorated this room, well she decorated all the rooms but this one has lots of her treasures" Hawkeye looked around the room sadly. "I hardly ever come in here" he said absently placing the bags down as if talking to himself.  
  
Margaret walked over to the double bed and sat down brushing her hand over the quilt cover.  
  
"Mum made that too" he said pointing at the patchwork quilt.  
  
Margaret looked up at him. He had never spoken much about his mother in Korea. In fact, it had taken her a while to find out that she had passed away when he was only ten. It was so obvious that he missed her. When he did speak about her his face became very sad, no wisecracks for this topic that's for sure. Margaret got up off the bed and hugged Hawkeye to her. She didn't know what to say to him, without sounding typically 'sorry'. This topic was way to sensitive and she felt well out of her depth.  
  
"Goodnight Hawkeye" she said to him and looked into his eyes.  
  
Hawkeye placed a kiss on her forehead and walked out of the room silently. As Margaret got unchanged she thought about how absent Hawkeye was. The real him was lurking deep inside his soul, merely shadowed by his depression and years of pain. After years of beating his conscience, Korea had killed his spirit temporarily.  
  
Margaret got into bed and unlike her usual sleeping pattern fell asleep peacefully. For once her tears didn't hit the pillow before she did.  
  
Meanwhile Hawkeye was feeling somewhat better having seen Margaret. He lay in his childhood bed thinking of just how amazing she was. Within a few hours she had made him the happiest he had been since he returned from Korea.  
  
"Imagine what she could do in a lifetime" Hawkeye thought to himself. Then Hawkeye realized what he had said. Could it be true that she was the one for him. Had he confused his feelings of compassion for Margaret with love. He began to compare his relationship with Margaret to his previous relationships with women. He had always thought that Carlye was the love of his life, and when she left him he felt as though he would never find a companion. He simply loved his medicine more. He compared Margaret with his love of medicine and decided if he had to have one, he would have Margaret. Hawkeye couldn't believe his conclusion, after years of believing he could never fall in love with someone like that, he had.  
  
He couldn't tell her though, "she doesn't feel the same way" he thought, "the story of my life as far as women go!". He rolled over, he couldn't be rejected again. When Carlye walked out on him, both times he felt as though his heart had been ripped in two and trodden on by a dozen horses. The pain was excruciating and he didn't want to feel that way ever again. His eyelids started to lose the battle against sleep. He didn't like that point in the night, once his eyelids gave up he was subject to the war again in his sleep.  
  
"Aaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhh" there was a scream of fright from Hawkeye's room. Margaret sat up and wondered what on earth he was doing. The scream was then repeated over and over again, followed by a large thump. Margaret could hear footsteps running down the hall and Hawkeye's door open. Margaret leaped out of bed to see what all the commotion was about.  
  
She ran into Hawkeye's room. He was sitting on the floor with his head in his hands sobbing through labored breathing. Daniel was kneeling next to him trying to get Hawkeye to calm down.  
  
"It's ok Ben, your home, it's alright" Daniel was now fighting off Hawkeye punching. Daniel looked up at Margaret. His eyes were pleading for help. Margaret nodded to Daniel and knelt down next to Hawkeye as well.  
  
"It's alright Daniel, go back to bed, I'll sit with him for a while, you have to work in the morning, go get a good night sleep" Daniel smiled at her and walked out of the room. He was amazed at Margaret, she was so calm about the situation.  
  
Hawkeye had fallen out of bed. He was sobbing violently. Margaret moved towards him gently and placed her hands around his and pulled them away from his face. His face stained with tears and he looked like a lost child. She reached for a tissue off the bedside table and gently wiped his tears away. Her gentle nursing qualities were automatic, she didn't even think about it, every move she made was autonomous. Hawkeye continued to stare at Margaret, she looked so beautiful.  
  
"Shhhhhhh" Margaret said gently, rubbing Hawkeye's back, trying to calm him down. It was like she was next to a little lost boy.  
  
Hawkeye started to calm down and he placed his hands around Margaret's wrists to stop her from wiping his face. He just looked at her, his eyes once again showing years on heartache. He started to sob again when he came back to reality and Margaret took him in her arms and cradled him. Hawkeye placed his head on her chest and Margaret continued to rub his back and run her fingers through his hair soothingly. His baby boy tears started to cease and Margaret just continued to hold him. After a few moments, she helped Hawkeye off the floor.  
  
"Are you hurt?" Margaret asked full of concern. Hawkeye just shook his head, wiping the damp hair of his face. She placed Hawkeye under the covers.  
  
"I'll be back in just a moment.ok?" And with that she walked out and down the hall.  
  
Margaret returned to the dark room with a cold hand towel, too cool him off after his nightmare. He had become very hot and sweaty. She wiped down his face and the back of his neck.  
  
"Goodnight" she whispered to Hawkeye, and started to push herself off the bed, only to be pulled back down.  
  
"Please stay here tonight" even in the dark room, she could see his eyes were pleading with hers.  
  
"Hawk, I'm just across the hall" She said emphatically, she didn't know if it was right to sleep in his bed with him.  
  
"Please" he pleaded with her again.  
  
Without saying anything, she climbed into the bed with Hawkeye and wrapped his arms around her waist. Hawkeye cuddled her to him, placing his arms around her. Margaret felt quite at ease in his arms. She knew he wasn't going to seduce her or anything like that, she knew he just needed to feel that she was there. They both fell back asleep again.  
  
A few hours later, Margaret could feel and hear Hawkeye's breathing become only more labored. She rolled over onto her other side so she was facing Hawkeye and held herself up on her elbows. She soothingly stroked her hands through his shiny thick black hair and lightly made patterns with her fingertips over his face. He was struggling with his subconscious and woke up in a sweaty panic. Once he felt Margaret's presence, he calmed down again. These short episodes repeated themselves through the night.  
  
Morning started to break at the Pierce residence. She could hear Daniel was up downstairs making breakfast. She just lay in Hawkeye's bed, he had his arms wrapped around her still and his head nuzzled into her neck. God he hoped Daniel hadn't walked into check on Hawkeye. He probably thought they were up to no good. Margaret had little sleep, but this wasn't unusual to her. She just lay there thinking about the man who lay next to her. She couldn't believe that she had nursed him through the night. This was the man who was her rock in Korea and it broke her heart to see him falling to pieces, just as it had broken her heart when he went to the mental hospital in Seoul. She continued to lay there, in his strong muscular arms. She was about to untangle herself from Hawkeye's grip around her waist only to feel his grip tighten. He wouldn't let her go. Margaret didn't want to put up a fight. However as she lay there, she felt Hawkeye's body moving further into hers. She lay there stiff like a plank of wood, what was he doing? Then he started to kiss her neck, slowly and passionately. It came as a shock to Margaret and she turned her body to look at him. He was still asleep but woke up abruptly as Margaret pulled away from him. It wasn't that she didn't enjoy it, but she had been here less than 24 hours and she didn't want to complicate her life any further. Hawkeye just looked straight back at her. He didn't know why he proceeded to kiss her like that, he just felt like it, it felt so right having her in his arms.  
  
"I'm just going to get some breakfast" Margaret said, as though nothing happened and briskly walked out of his room. Daniel hadn't left yet, so Margaret sat down at the table with him.  
  
"Long night?" Daniel said to Margaret, "Thank you for staying with him, can I get you a cup of coffee."  
  
"Yes, thank you, that would be nice"  
  
"Now I would love to stay and chat with you but I best be off, see you later" Daniel smiled as he placed the coffee in front of her and walked away. "Make yourself at home, won't you" he said as he stepped out the back door.  
  
It took another hour or so for Hawkeye to come downstairs. He wasn't asleep, he just lay in his bed staring at the spot where Margaret had laid next to him all night. She had left her scent over his pillows and sheets.  
  
"I can't let go of her" he thought. But he didn't think she cared for him as more than a friend. He thought back to the time Margaret looked at him with a tear-stained face and told him she was getting a divorce. The time she wasted with Frank and countless generals and Sergeant Scully. All the while he wished it were he. He saw the way the men strolled into her heart and then tried to take it from her. He ventured into her love life once, and the consequences initially had been fatal, but in the long run, it only made their relationship stronger. And then there was that night that Margaret had told him about her version of an ideal man. In a way he had been honoured that she include him in her list, but 10% of his character just wasn't enough. He was on par with the likes of Scully in her perfect man and somehow had to gain another 10% to be equal to her father to make her happy. She would never have him, Hawkeye thought. He feared the same rejection he faced after Carlye left, the emptiness and the loneliness. He got up and went downstairs.  
  
Margaret was watching television in her pyjamas. He decided the best way to be this morning was to act as though nothing had happened that morning.  
  
"Margaret" he said bright and cheery, he appeared to be in a better mood, "This is unlike you, I thought you would be up and dressed and ready for the day ahead"  
  
"Pierce this is my time off, I'll stay in my pyjamas until you tell me you'll take me somewhere!" she simply shone through her smile. She too was trying to forget that morning.  
  
Hawkeye went to fix himself breakfast. When they were both showered and dressed (no not together) they met downstairs. Hawkeye was taking Margaret to lunch at one of the sea side restaurants. Hawkeye couldn't wait to show her around and introduce her to everyone. He almost felt like she was something that needed to be shown off, so everyone knew that she was with him. Margaret was sitting on the lounge when Hawkeye came bouncing down the stairs. He had a simple shirt and jeans on and was grabing his jacket from the stand and the front door.  
  
"Ready?" he said with a huge smile on his face, jingling his keys. Margaret could feel his excitement. Hawkeye had never been more excited to go into town. Margaret got up and walked over to him. He opened the door for her and shut it behind them.  
  
"Look Margaret." he began glancing at her while he was driving. He had an uneasy feeling in his voice. "I want to thank you for."  
  
"Its fine, really"  
  
"And I am sorry about.."  
  
"Its ok, all forgiven" she looked at him with a reassuring smile. They were close to the town now and Hawkeye pulled up outside his favorite restaurant. He was going to take her for dinner but he just couldn't wait that long.  
  
As they sat overlooking the water, Hawkeye could do nothing but watch Margaret. He loved everything that she said. The way every word rolled off the tongue full of passion. He was engrossed in her beautiful eyes, her hair, her smile. But he didn't believe he could have her. He had to get better before he could have her.  
  
Margaret stayed for the rest of the week at the Pierce residence. Margaret and Daniel noticed the change in Hawkeye. He was slowly returning to himself. Daniel was in ore of the effect Margaret had on Hawkeye. Margaret slept in Hawkeye's bed every night, nursing him through his horrific nightmares. The frequency and vivacity of the dreams were subsiding slightly. Having Margaret there seemed to make his fears disappear.  
NB: OK I know that wasn't the greatest chapter but I had a bit of writers block, but I have some drama on the way so stay tuned. Please continue to review 


	7. Chapter Seven

Chapter 7  
  
"Hey Hawk" Daniel yelled from the kitchen. Hawkeye was sitting in the lounge room with Margaret playing scrabble before dinner.  
  
"Yeah" he hollered back. Daniel walked into the lounge room.  
  
"Sorry to interrupt sir" he said handing Hawkeye an invitation. "This came for you in the mail." And with that Daniel left. They hadn't fought once since Margaret had arrived. Although Hawkeye was not cured of his illness he was certainly looking better and his eyes showed happiness once more.  
  
Hawkeye read down the small piece of paper while Margaret attempted to pile some letters together to form a word.  
  
"Say Margaret do you wanna come to the Crabapple Cove ball? Its on next Saturday night at the yacht club."  
  
Margaret had already got heads turning in the cove, she wasn't sure about going, she didn't want to draw more attention to herself.  
  
"I would love to Hawk but I have nothing to wear. Well nothing suitable for a ball." She knew the excuse wouldn't stand but it was worth a try.  
  
"Well we can go buy you something tomorrow morning or you could try on something of mums if you want to." He paused for a moment, looking at Margaret. Pleading with her eyes he said "I would really love for you to come with me Margaret." His eyes were intensely fixated on her. She couldn't say no to him.  
  
"Alright - provided I have something to wear by Saturday." She said in a warning tone.  
  
"No problem - you shall be the belle of the ball, and you will be mine", with that he stood up and walked towards the kitchen to tell his father.  
  
She couldn't believe the power he had over her, she just gave into those pleading eyes so easily. She cared so much for him, but she didn't want to let herself go. Following her heart had only ever left it broken and there was no reason why this situation was any different to the last. It wasn't that she couldn't trust Hawkeye with her heart, but she couldn't trust her own judgment in the first place. Hawkeye walked back into the room.  
  
"So what's the occasion for the ball?" she questioned as Hawkeye sat down opposite her.  
  
"No reason, the town is always holding functions like this. I haven't been to one since I got back from Korea. They are usually fundraising for the local school or something like that." He replied complacently.  
  
After dinner that night, Hawkeye, Margaret and Daniel played several rounds of poker. As usual Hawkeye was doing extraordinarily well. Daniel loved it though. He loved the way Hawkeye was smiling again and his eyes were dancing. He had acquired a daughterly love for Margaret over the last week. She was helping Hawk so much. He knew they had done a lot of talking in the last week and Hawkeye was opening up to her. She was motivating him to take job interviews and she nursed Hawkeye through his nightmares every night.  
  
"Well, I have always said that poker relaxes me, but it can make me very sleepy too, especially when I'm not having any luck. I think I'll hit the sack now." She pushed back her chair. "See you in the morning" She walked around the table to Daniel and gave him a hug.  
  
"Goodnight sweet pea", he treated her as though she was his own daughter. And with that Margaret walked around to Hawkeye and bent over and hugged him.  
  
As she stood up straight again and brushed her fingers through his hair before walking away. "Call me if you need me".  
  
With that Hawkeye and Daniel packed away the chips and the cards.  
  
"You know Hawk, I can't tell you how glad I am Margaret's here. I really can't. She brought some fresh air into this stuffy old home." Daniel said as he stood up to put the cards away.  
  
"Yeah, she's really something isn't she" Hawkeye said smiling slightly.  
  
"If I knew Margaret would be the solution to your problem before I would have called her."  
  
"I'm not cured dad, I have just improved, I do feel a lot better, amazingly better." He said, looking a little surprised at himself for his rapid change.  
  
"Well I'm off to bed as well, you coming upstairs now too?" asked Daniel, knowing the answer was more than likely to be no.  
  
"Nah I think I'll watch some TV"  
  
Hawkeye often sat up late at night. He didn't like to go to sleep. Everynight this week Hawkeye had gone to sleep with Margaret by his side but she had already gone, leaving him alone.  
  
It was 2 o'clock and he was still sitting on the couch when he heard footsteps on the creaky stairs. Margaret appeared in the doorway.  
  
"Are you alright Margaret, what are you doing up?" Hawkeye asked full of concern. "Something the matter?"  
  
"No - no, I just was lying there awake staring at the ceiling and I heard the TV was still on. Why aren't you in bed?" She sounded like a nagging mother, but Hawkeye didn't mind. He loved that motherly instinct in her.  
  
Margaret walked over to the couch and sat down next to Hawkeye, leaning into him and wrapping her arms around his waist. She felt so warm and relaxed against his body. He was so lost in her warmth that he had forgotten to answer the question.  
  
"Hawk?" she said questioning, making sure he was still there.  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"Why are you still up" she said smiling at him, laughing at the lost look on his face.  
  
"Oh right, oh you know.I like to. err stay up every now and then.you know.just to relax a little after the poker game.I'll go up to bed soon."  
  
"Hawk." she said not believing his reason, "Its two in the morning, we finished poker two and a half hours ago" she stated to him plainly. She wasn't being ignorant, she knew there was a better reason, it was just a matter of getting it out of him. She rubbed her hand over his arm affectionately "I seem to recall a friend of mine in Korea telling me that if you can't tell your number one nemesis, who can you tell?"  
  
A grin spread across Hawkeye's face. "Well" he said with a laugh of realization, "I don't believe I have a number one nemesis anymore, so the rule doesn't apply anymore" He was teasing her now, he knew what she was getting at.  
  
"Oh is that so?" Margaret replied playfully. "Well I can see I am getting nowhere and I am not going to play your games Pierce, so I'll go back to bed"  
  
"Play my game?" Hawkeye said as Margaret let herself out of his arms, "I thought I was playing your game!" He said pleading with her as she headed for the stairs.  
  
"I'm too tired for games Hawk, I'll see you in the morning, ok?" She was at the foot of the stairs, she paused for a minute to give him a chance to tell her.  
  
"But I've already seen you?"  
  
"What? Hawkeye! You can be so annoying" she said and made her way up the stairs.  
  
"Goodnight princess" he smiled at her from the couch and Margaret smiled back at him and continued up the stairs. It would be their first night not sleeping in the same bed. Margaret was a little worried that he would have a terrible night without her by his side.  
  
Hawkeye lay on the couch downstairs, he was getting sleepy and thought it best if he went to bed. So he made his way up the stairs. Margaret heard his door open and then close quietly across the hall and fell asleep.  
  
Hawkeye started to become restless in his sleep. His memories were haunting him again. He managed to wake himself up before the dream went any further. His pulse was racing and sweat dripped down the back of his neck and knees and his black hair was stuck on his forehead. He sat up slowly and tried to catch his breath. He didn't want to go back to sleep, he knew he should have stayed up or tell Margaret that he was too scared to fall asleep without her. Without turning on the light or lying there any longer he picked up his pillow and wrapped his red dressing gown around him and made his way out of the bedroom.  
  
As he opened the door he noticed that a light was on in Margaret's room. He stood there for a moment, questioning whether or not to enter. He thought he should check that she was ok, but what he really wanted was to be close to her after his nightmare. He opened the door quietly and walked in.  
  
"Hawkeye?" Margaret questioned, "Are you ok?"  
  
He started to walk towards her bed slowly.  
  
"I.I .Oh you know nothing much, I saw your light on and just wanted to make sure you are alright" he was trembling again and Margaret could see that he was embarrassed to be telling her again that he had had a nightmare.  
  
"Hawkeye" she looked at him with disbelief again and held out her arms to him. He walked straight over to the bed without saying anything and nestled into her arms and held her tightly. Margaret soothingly stroked his back and ran her fingers through his hair. She kissed the top of his head "I'm fine, I just couldn't sleep, nothing new to me. I think the question is whether you are alright."  
  
He looked up at her; "Lets not go there, we could be up all night" he smiled at her. "This bed looks awfully big, much too big for one person. Do you mind if I.umm."  
  
Without hesitating and realizing all he really wanted was to be comforted she held up the patchwork quilt and let him crawl in beside her. He immediately wrapped his arms around her and kissed the back of her head gently "Goodnight" he said. And with that Margaret reached for the lamp and turned it off.  
  
Next morning Margaret woke only to notice Hawkeye had got up. She was so surprised that she hadn't woken when he moved. She had been sleeping so lightly since the war.  
  
"Knock Knock" she heard a sly voice from the bedroom door. "Are you decent, because I am coming in."  
  
A grin spread across her face. "You may enter" Hawkeye walked in carrying a tray and a serviette over his arm, bearing a trademark smile.  
  
"What is this?"  
  
"Its breakfast for you major" he said gently placing the tray on the bed.  
  
"I can see that! What's with knocking on the door - where did you learn that, not in Korea!" she said laughing at him. He sat down on the bed next to her.  
  
"It just coz dad's home and he would get pretty mad to find me wandering in and out of the guest bedroom with a gorgeous woman staying in it without knocking" he said casually with a sneaky smile on his face.  
  
"I see, so I suppose you are going to tell me you cooked this up for me?"  
  
"Rightly so, I am your host Benjamin Franklin Pierce and I will serve you"  
  
Margaret couldn't believe the mood he was in. It was like Hawkeye was starting to show through the cracks again.  
  
"This is beautiful Hawk, I couldn't tell you the last time someone made breakfast for me."  
  
"Well think of it as a little thank you present for all your hard work since you got here" He said as he started to butter some toast complacently.  
  
"I haven't worked since I got here, you have done nothing except wine and dine me. I'm not complaining either, but I think it is you who deserves a present"  
  
"Margaret Houlihan you are much too modest," he replied continuing to butter his toast but then stopped to look at her. "Margaret.I can't tell you in words how grateful and happy I am that you are here with me. I'm feeling more like myself everyday because of you" his indigo eyes had met hers. Margaret didn't know what to say, she broke the gaze and twisted the quilt around her fingers and she looked for something to say.  
  
"Well, I'm really happy to be here too Hawk," she looked back at his intense gaze, which hadn't left her. Hawkeye put the piece of toast back down on the tray and moved closer to Margaret, inching his lips closer to hers. Slowly he brushed his lips against hers, he went to deepen the kiss placing one hand firmly around her waist, hugging her to him and the other at the top of her neck gently stroking her cheek. There was a knock at the door. Margaret moved away from him quickly and sat up right.  
  
"Come in" Hawkeye yelled at the door not for one moment taking his eyes off Margaret. Margaret turned her attentions to the orange juice and began to pour some into a glass.  
  
"Morning kids" Daniel said in his usual cheery mood.  
  
"Morning" they replied in unison uneasy at the situation.  
  
"Hawkeye treating you to a breakfast in bed Margaret?" Daniel said with a broad smile across his face.  
  
"Yes" she replied quickly glancing at Hawkeye then back to the older man. "According to him I deserve it for working so hard"  
  
"Well, I'll see you kids tonight. Have fun and don't get up to any mischief"  
  
"We wont" Margaret said again quickly glancing at Hawkeye who had remained silent the entire time.  
  
"Yes, well I notice that only you responded to that Margaret, Hawk is awfully silent on the matter", Daniel commented, chuckling to himself. Hawkeye merely smiled with his mouth shut back at his father. "See you later"  
  
"Bye" Margaret said, whilst Hawkeye just put his hand up wave.  
  
They sat there in silence for a few minutes. Neither looking each other in the face. Both tried to be preoccupied with the first thing available to them.  
  
"Hawkeye, would you pass me the paper please" Margaret broke the silence and looked straight into Hawkeye's eyes with sorry written across her face in big bold letters.  
  
"Here you go", he said. His face however did not spell sorry, or forgive me. There was no regret on his face. He knew exactly what he was doing and he wasn't sorry about it. Nor was he angry at Margaret for not continuing after his father had left the room.  
  
Margaret began to skim her eyes across the paper. She wasn't taking anything in. She was so lost in Hawkeye's kiss that she could not focus. Sitting in silence she nibbled on the piece of toast Hawkeye had handed her. She knew she couldn't let herself go, she had only been there a few days. She had deep feelings for Hawkeye and she had never felt quite this way about anyone. She couldn't determine whether she loved him as a lover or as the close friend she never had. Could it be possible the he was both? She felt Hawkeye's gaze upon her again but could not meet his pleading eyes again. Every time she had followed her heart she came out with it broken. She remembered back to the time Hawkeye and her were stranded in the abandoned hut in Korea. She looked to him when she was most vulnerable. She remembered the fear that was running through her that night before he took her in his arms and kissed her. He had been so gentle, despite being afraid himself. She was analyzing the current situation and decided it was not really that different. Instead of fear running through her body she had unhappiness and was just as vulnerable to Hawkeye as she had been in Korea. She remembered the way they woke up the next morning in each other's arms. She was so content lying there with her head upon his chest and his arms wrapped around her, protecting her. Then she remembered the rejection she felt. She could never understand why he had done that to her. She felt like she had been used, and once again her heart was left in pieces. Margaret decided to tread lightly, after all Hawkeye hadn't been himself lately. She wondered whether she was merely a temporary solution to his problem. What if he fully recovers to himself, and starts chasing other women or cheats on her. She was thinking of all the possibilities. Was this the life she wanted, would this make her happy? Or would Hawkeye leave her at a loose end? She didn't know whether to trust her own feelings or whether she could trust Hawkeye as a lover. Maybe it would be better if she left Crabapple Cove and decided for herself.  
  
Hawkeye was staring into space. All he wanted was Margaret. He would give anything and everything to have her. He was a afraid of rejection after Carlye but he wasn't going to let it stop him. He had spent three years in Korea pining for her. All those men that drifted in and out of camp. First Frank then came Penobscott, what a jackass he was, Hawkeye thought to himself. Both of them had the best woman in the world by their side and both treated her like dirt. She deserved more than that. Then after the divorce came Scully and Per. How would he measure against them. He hated to think he was placed on the same pedestal as Frank and Donald. He thought he was above that, he wanted to be placed above all men in her life, including her father. He realized how scared she was. "I don't want to scare her away" he though quietly to himself "If I do that she will never come back to me."  
  
"Hawkeye" Margaret's voice splintered the uncomfortable silence between them. Hawkeye turned his head to look at her. She had only just woken up and she still looked beautiful. "Have you though much about going back to surgery?"  
  
Hawkeye readjusted himself on the bed and sat up next to Margaret.  
  
"It has crossed my mind, I'm quite happy helping dad out every now and then"  
  
"But Hawkeye, have you thought about what you will do long term?"  
  
"No, not really, I figured I'll just take over the practice one day, dad is getting on a bit now."  
  
"Does going back to surgery worry you?" she asked concerned.  
  
Hawkeye continued to stare in front of him. She could tell that he wasn't entirely comfortable talking about it.  
  
"Hawkeye, you know you can tell me anything and I won't treat you differently or think of you any differently" she said placing her hand on his.  
  
"Well.I just don't know anymore Margaret. I haven't operated since the last day of the war, I have only read a few medical journals since I got back, so I wont be as good as I used to be. I'd hate to think that my skills have diminished. Or even worse.."his eyes began to water "what if.what if I should hurt someone, or do something wrong which could kill them" he said not looking at Margaret but rather at the quilt cover, ashamed of himself.  
  
"Hawkeye, you are the most talented, wonderful, compassionate surgeon I have ever worked with, I refuse to believe that you will never operate again. You are too good for that. You know you are a fantastic surgeon!" she said, trying to encourage him and motivate him. "Hawkeye you are far too skilled to be a general practitioner the rest of you life. Don't tell me you will settle for that"  
  
"Why what's wrong with it?"  
  
"Nothing is wrong with it, but I don't think it is right for you. Some people Hawkeye, become surgeons and yes they have a degree and a piece of paper, but a large number of doctors out there are like Frank Burns. People need you Hawkeye, they need you!" she continued to encourage him.  
  
"What about you Margaret..do you need me?" he questioned, his blue eyes once again piercing through hers.  
  
"Of course I need you. Ever since I met you I have depended on you so much and I always will. You are probably my best friend Hawkeye and I care for you very much, which is why I care so much about your life and your career." She was surprised at how well she had responded to his question, although she knew that he wanted a different answer.  
  
"If you look here Hawk, there is an opening at Portland General, I really think you should apply. It's a position for general surgery. I know your specialty is thoracic surgery but you could start off in general and work your way to where you want to be in the hospital."  
  
"I don't know," he said looking at her.  
  
"You don't know what?"  
  
"If I have the qualifications, you know, what am I gonna tell them? I did my degree in medicine, then I did my residency for a few years in Boston and then I got drafted to do meatball surgery in Korea! It's hardly a glowing resume" he was starting to sound frustrated.  
  
"Well, I would employ you any day, I couldn't think of a better doctor to have on my staff. Now I'm going to take a shower." She said untangling herself of the bed clothes. She got up to get her pale blue dressing gown and looked back at Hawkeye. "I really think you should consider it Hawk," she said with a smile of reassurance across her face.  
  
Hawkeye was left lying on the bed. Maybe he should go for it. "What if I don't get it" he thought to himself, "I'll be the laughing stock of crabapple cove." With that he threw the pillow back down on the bed and cleaned up the breakfast tray and took it back downstairs. 


End file.
